and i don't know what's good for me
could you tell me
i need to know
could you love me
i know it's hard
there's red down there
in my underwear
where's the hope in feeling beautiful
i don't know if I want to know
and we could laugh all night
but it's just me in my room alone
I wrote this song over the course of a year, while I found myself struggling with finding any identity for anything I was doing. It felt hard to know what to do, but I continued to work on it when I could, when I was able to, and as time went on, I started to imagine something like a little box being built in front of me, to hold any intention I could have in writing anything at all. I felt as if my struggle with defining my music mirrored my own struggle with defining my life, my womanhood, and my ability.
I like to think of this song as one of the many mirrors in that relationship, allowing one to see the other, in all of its good, and all of its bad. Some days I like that it's there, some days I don't. Some days I see good things, some days I don't. But it became important to me over time to find that I had some sort of agency in taking care of the mirror if I wanted to, controlling what could be seen in its reflection, or at least understand that this was something I could do.
I worked on this song in many different places, starting in Seattle and eventually ending up in New York City. I'm currently staying in a friend's home somewhere in Brooklyn, where I finished this song. It's pretty nice. I have resources in NYC that I didn't have in Seattle. I've been in an extensive treatment program for two months now to help me manage my mental health, and it has been a good experience. I'm still in the program, thankfully, it's all just online now. I'm working with doctors to treat my hip as well, and the prospects of treatment are more possible here than they were in Seattle. I've been feeling a lot of hope lately.
The song is free, or you can donate any amount to get the song as well. Those donations would go to me, and it would mean a lot to me, as I have no income during this weird time, like many others. I hope you're doing well.
Thanks to Alex R. for being a friend and partner in everything I do as Lushloss. Thanks to Adam S. for lending his ears and making space for me and this song on such short notice. Thanks to Warren H. for helping me record the vocals, I hope you're doing well. Matthew H., for providing care and warmth in my life as we get older. Carl L, for helping inspire me, Thanks to Soy, Rin, and Sylvie. Thanks to Emily at REST, and Rachel at Mount Sinai. Serena J., I'm glad I have you in my life, I'm very grateful for our friendship. Thank you Oryx for everything. Thanks to Wendy C. for taking me in and wanting the best for me. Thanks to Orla B., for being my little sis, I love you.
released May 1, 2020
Written, produced, recorded, mixed, and artwork by Olive Jun.
Run by KEXP DJ Alex Ruder, Hush Hush Records is dedicated to curating an emotional and introspective sound that's free of specific genre boundaries and ideal for headphone sessions, late-night travels and intimate encounters.